I played with someone new last Saturday at the private club – a Hot Shot Dom. He was well-known so I thought I was safe, but I could not have been more wrong.

He trailed knives along my skin, lit me on fire, wet and smacked my thighs with metal. He also flogged me with something that left instant welts. I shrieked.

We were not in a private room – several people watched. And it was my first time being completely naked during play.

I passed out while he was choking me and I didn’t think he even noticed. If he had not been pressed against me, I would have crumpled. My arm fell from the chain I had been holding.

I had never passed out before – I didn’t know what was happening to me at first.

The worst part was that he left me alone during subspace – just dropped me and walked away. He was angry that I did not inform him before the session that sex was not a foregone conclusion.

He asked why I didn’t bring up the no-sex factor in the beginning. I told him that I honestly didn’t think sex would come up right away.


pride and paddling

Much of the tension has eased between us – for now.

After we talked at his place, we played a little before going to the club. That helped.

We rarely played privately anymore as the guy I was dating – understandably – does not like it. But we didn’t do anything wrong.

When we got to the club, he set down his gear and then embraced me in front of everyone. I didn’t know if it was territorial or if he was trying to put me into a headspace before playing.

One girl did not like me. It was clear by how zealously she threw herself at him that our connection really bothered her.

There are other girls he has connections with and when I see them, I step away. It’s not easy, but I have to respect those relationships. There is also my pride. I don’t want anyone to see me hurting. Not in that way.

While playing, I could not take very much. My skin felt raw afterward.

At one point, he barely tapped me with a heavy wooden paddle and it hurt so much that I screamed and nearly lunged off his knees. Before that, he’d used the leather slapper. The sting resonated, turning my yelps into full wails.

He also blindfolded me. It had been forever.

At the end, he had me kneeling, presenting the paddle with my arms raised forward while he dripped hot wax all over them.

Even though the weight became tear-inducingly painful after awhile, I did not drop my arms.

I was proud of myself.

no sudden movements

At the club, my body formed an X, black rope woven elegantly around my neck, between my legs, accentuating each breast.

Something I had never done before: knifeplay.

But first, he tormented my skin with this excruciating leather slapper that almost took me out of the flow.

The knifeplay was equally excruciating, but in a more delicious manner. Unnerving and exquisite. The blade on my skin was even more physically binding than the ropes because I would not risk movement.

As pleasurable as it was, I felt for the first time – I knew it would happen eventually – I had outgrown the club. Not him. But the atmosphere. It no longer held the same allure.

I wanted more.

I didn’t know if he knew, but afterward, he took me to a new club. Private, members-only.

Rooms upon rooms, countless contraptions – leather, metal, wood – everywhere. Artwork and decor, stunning. It was the kind of place read about in books. There was even a library stocked with erotic literature.

The people were serious players, but still warm and welcoming. Refreshments, but no alcohol. Conversation and smoking outside near a fire.

We browsed the main room with its multiple stations until drifting down a hallway – some doors open, some not, some left ajar for the curious. Different songs flowing from each. And of course: screams, wails, gasps, sobs, panting, and more.

Since it was a private club, there was much more skin. And more intimacy.


At the club, I watched him rig up some rope and a steel bar among the exposed beams.

“That’s for you,” he said.

The contraption left my body free for him to circle and flog in all different directions.

He held a rose before my mouth and told me to bite down on the stem.

Most of the flogging was frontal this time. Since I wasn’t blindfolded, I could see all the people that were watching us, but soon they didn’t matter to me.

Afterward, he guided me to my knees and kneeled alongside me, then held me by the neck and bent me nearly backward. My body was so warm and flexible, he had total control.

The position allowed him to assess the marks on the tops of my breasts and on my belly. I know we made a beautiful shape together, too – we usually received many compliments. I have also seen him with others. He knows what looks beautiful – it is part of his job.

None of that mattered right then, though. At that moment, someone could have killed me and I would not have minded in that least – I was that charged.

I spent the rest of the evening tracing the rose all over my skin.


We played again.

What were we supposed to do – cut it off just like that?

At the club, not privately.

He knew I was dating someone and he respected that. Someone vanilla. I don’t know that he would have had the same level of acceptance if I were in a kinky relationship.

We were joined by a pro-sub who was also a very competent Top.

He had been topping her the first night that I met him. Watching them, I remember being simultaneously enthralled and terrified. Her breath was like language – every sigh, every inhale, exhale – precise and eloquent.

I had never seen anyone like them before.

wanting and waiting

He told me to bend over his bed, chest down. I waited like that while he worked at his computer.

I tried to be patient. To not shift or sigh. To breathe naturally, as if I could do this all night, every night.

I hated waiting and wanting as much as I loved it. I respected it for this.

Finally, he spanked me.

I had to cling to the sheets. I was no good at holding position or at being quiet.

Afterward, my body was warm, my limbs loose with the rush, my head light.

He laughed at me for being in la-la-land and went back to work on his computer.