letting go

Three more months…

His friend had a last minute model cancellation for a photoshoot. Was I free?

He joked that he would pay me with a spanking session.

I got paid. And I got spanked.

Afterward, he pushed me back onto the bed and held himself up over me.

“Did you miss me?” he asked.

My “yes” had the force of an exhale behind it. My eyes teared up.

“What did you miss about me?”

I couldn’t answer him.

“I could fuck you right now,” he said, his hand briefly teasing between my legs before sliding up to taunt my nipples. Every time I yelped, he would squeeze my mouth and bite on my lips.

But whenever he tried to actually kiss me, I could feel myself resisting and I knew he could feel it, too. The back of my head was in his hand. He’d been massaging my neck, rubbing my hair.

“Do you want to hurt me?” he asked.

His hand was at my neck. I braced for a smack. It did not come.

He expressed so much and I felt almost nothing compared to what I used to feel.

Numb?

Or buried.

two more months

My ex-Dom called last weekend and I returned his call finally. We talked for a long time.

It was a surprisingly good conversation even though I was apprehensive.

He suggested we get together sometime. Not too surprising.

He also asked me about the guy I was seeing – someone he used to know. Not a Dom. I was still worried he would be upset about it.

I didn’t think he knew.

He also wanted to discuss where he and I had gone wrong which we’d already done, but I relented. And we talked about school and work and people we know and all the rest of it.

He said he’d actually thought about asking me last weekend to come up and play at the club.

A soft blow.

no easy thing

One month. We let it breathe.

Nothing except for a brief exchange inviting me to a gallery opening. Not as his date. He had to co-host with his graphic-design friend.

I debated on going. He insisted – he’d been collaborating on this project the whole time we were seeing each other so he wanted me there.

As soon as he saw me, he held me long and hard against the length of his body. In the middle of everyone, everything.

The tension eased out of me. I let it.

When he walked me to my car, he did it again, except this time, his reluctance to let go was palpable. Eventually, he released me and stepped back, drawing my hands out in front of me. They were warm in his.

We said very little.

I miss him a lot, but I know it is better this way. He will always mean a lot to me – I have resigned myself to this.

No easy thing.

maybe it is

Two calls, messages from him. I have not responded.

If he really does have feelings for me, isn’t it better for him that we don’t speak?

Third time is not always a charm. Or maybe it is.

I didn’t sound like myself. Cold.

He said he did not want it to end this way, that he was still open to a relationship with me, but that we needed to let some time pass.

He also apologized for the month he stopped talking to me and hadn’t told me that we needed time apart.

And he asked that I not come to the club for a while, his club – for his sake. And that I be cordial if we see each other around.

It has been several weeks since I’ve been to his club. He must know I wouldn’t go there now, not after everything.

Still trying to exert power over me.

dom drama

“You’re in over your head,” he said. There was condescension in his voice.

He had apparently told this Hot Shot Dom that I was still his sub. And Hot Shot Dom apologized and blamed me for misleading him and for violating the integrity of their friendship.

I knew that they knew each other, but characterizing it as a “friendship” sounded like a conveniently new to me.

I didn’t trust myself anymore. I also didn’t trust him.

I said that I had thought they were more serious players there, but they turned out to be just like everyone else – only caring about getting off.

He warned me to watch it, but I didn’t stop. I heard my voice thinning, my tone ugly.

Getting turned on when you have a naked, moaning submissive in your arms is understandable, but getting annoyed and then masking it as upset over a “supposed” violation of a “supposed” friendship is bullshit.

He said my name, his voice hard.

No more warnings.

edgeplay

I played with someone new last Saturday at the private club – a Hot Shot Dom. He was well-known so I thought I was safe, but I could not have been more wrong.

He trailed knives along my skin, lit me on fire, wet and smacked my thighs with metal. He also flogged me with something that left instant welts. I shrieked.

We were not in a private room – several people watched. And it was my first time being completely naked during play.

I passed out while he was choking me and I didn’t think he even noticed. If he had not been pressed against me, I would have crumpled. My arm fell from the chain I had been holding.

I had never passed out before – I didn’t know what was happening to me at first.

The worst part was that he left me alone during subspace – just dropped me and walked away. He was angry that I did not inform him before the session that sex was not a foregone conclusion.

He asked why I didn’t bring up the no-sex factor in the beginning. I told him that I honestly didn’t think sex would come up right away.

Naive.